Ears

You guys, I think Ted is officially the weirdest cat ever. What I’m about to tell you may frighten you…

When he was younger, Ted was a little bitey. But kittens are like that, right? They know they have little needle-like teeth and they enjoy seeing you scream in pain. Kitties are born evil. I’M KIDDING! But Ted was/is a little biter. Not mean biting. He’ll just play bite. But then he got into a very strange habit of biting our ears when we were sleeping. There’s nothing more fun that waking up in the middle of the night because a cat has chomped down on your ear. It’s delightful. We just assumed he went for the ears because we had learned to sleep with our hands under the covers so that he couldn’t bite those. But then he started with the ears. I mean, it got to the point where I just started sleeping completely covered up with just a little hole for me to breathe through. I thank my lucky stars he didn’t start burrowing in and biting my lips or something.

Eventuall he “grew” out of the ear biting thing. It tapered off and I don’t think he’s done it at all an a while. At least to me. But then we noticed something. We started to see these lying around the apartment:

Okay, don’t get freaked out. It’s not something x-rated. It’s an earplug. See, I wear earplugs to bed every night. Not because Ryan snores or anything. I’m just a very light sleeper. If I didn’t wear them, I’d be all “Was that a dog barking a three block away?” or “Damn it! My neighbor just farted.” No good. So I started wearing earplugs and they are the best. THE BEST. I sleep like a spanked baby.

ANYWAY, Ted has become obsessed with my earplugs. Instead of being awakened by biting, I’ll all of a sudden feel and hear him SNIFFING my ears. Like creepily. And no matter where I put them, he finds them. On a shelf, on the bathroom sink, in a drawer, IN MY EARS, wherever. And yes, you read that correctly, A DRAWER!!! We have a bed that has big drawers underneath (side note - it’s awesome!!) where you can store loads of stuff. It’s nice because we don’t have nightstands. So you can put a book or your glasses or whatever is normally on/in a nightstand. That’s where I put my earplugs. In the large drawer. A drawer that Ted has figured out how to open. He actually used to hide in them when he was a kitten. We’d be like “Where’s Ted?” and then we’d look around and find him adorably snuggled up with Ryan’s socks. Oh Ted. You’re so cute. Fast forward a year and I’m all “WHY ARE YOU SO BAD???!!!”

To try to outwit him, I would put something heavy in front of the drawer so that he couldn’t open it. But then I’d look over and he’d have an earplug in his mouth in the living room. I guess he has crazy-person strength or something. So then I decided to put them in a little container that had a lid. LITERALLY five minutes after I put them in there, I see him trot out with one in his mouth. No joke. He found them. In a box with a cover! OK. That’s a no-go as far as a case goes. So I decided to use a little case that’s meant to store your jewelry when you travel. It’s cute. It’s got a little pouch inside and a little strap where you can put your necklaces and…whatever. It zips. So I started putting my earplugs in there. There is no way in HELL he’d be able to unzip it. I mean, he may have outwitted me a few times, but I can’t imagine him being able to unzip something. Check and mate, Ted!

Or not. I came home from work the other day and found that little case LAYING IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. I mean, right in front. Like I almost tripped over it. You guys, he was taunting me. I can’t think of any other reason to leave it right there. He knew it would be the first thing I saw when I walked in. HE KNEW HE’D WON!!! And then I took a look at the box and saw this:

You guys, HE RUINED IT! RUINED! IT!!! (Side note - to the person who bought me this as a gift, I’m truly sorry that you have to see this. If it’s any consolation, I used it all the time for its intended purpose.) He tried VERY HARD to open that box. He was going to open it with his teeth if he had to. Look at it. It looks like it’s been mauled by a tiger!! What is wrong with him????????? Is there kitty crack in those earplugs? Of course, Ryan’s all “Maybe if you cleaned your ears every once in a while, he wouldn’t be able to sniff them out!” SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH! I DO WASH MY EARS!!! WHAT AM I, A FARM ANIMAL??? Cheese and RICE! Anyway, I just resigned myself to the fact that unless I bought a steel safe to store my freaking earplugs, Ted was going to continue to attempt to open that little case. But at least he couldn’t get to the earplugs anymore.

Then today I saw this:

Let me zoom in for you.

IT’S A Q-TIP!!!!!!! Now, Ryan, of course, had the AUDACITY to say that it must have been a used Q-Tip. Implying that it was mine. First off, AT LEAST THAT WOULD PROVE THAT I CLEAN MY EARS! Second, DO YOU REALLY THINK I LEAVE USED Q-TIPS LAYING AROUND????? Hells bells! It’s not used. It’s a clean Q-Tip. He was walking around with it all morning.

Here he is in the bedroom.

(Excuse the fact that Ryan’s sock is sloppily hanging out of the drawer). At least he rightfully looks ashamed of himself in this picture. But now I’m worried. What’s next? Is he going to trot out one day with Ralph’s ear in his mouth? Or worse yet, MY EAR???? Do we need to hold a kitty intervention? A kitty EAR intervention? Oh Ted…

But I’m not crazy, right? It’s weird. Like super weird. And to top it off, he’s obsessed with this as well:

He’s a Ted in a box! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) But this pretty much solidifies the fact that he’s basically a crazy hobo at this point. I know we could just throw the box away, but Ryan thinks it’s mean since Ted loves it so much. That means we have a huge box constantly sitting in the middle of the living room floor. I know…we’re enablers.