The title is my way of conveying the musical theme of The Voice using the written word. And while we’re talking about the theme - ummmm…worst theme ever. I mean, it’s a music show. Can’t we do a little better than that? Maybe add some quarter notes? Jazz it up a bit? Something.
ANYWAY, if you can’t already tell, I’m a big The Voice fan. I LOVE IT! I love that it’s (initially) not based on what you look like and that they turn their big Captain Kirk chairs around to see some 50-year-old man who sounds like Usher. Or a 15-year-old girl who sounds like Tina Turner. OR A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO SOUNDS LIKE ARETHA FRANKLIN. No, none of those things happened this year, but I’m just giving you examples of what COULD happen.
And the coaches…love them. Although, since CeeLo was just arrested for allegedly plying ladies with ecstasy, he’s a little creepy to me. Especially with his Jack Nicholson eyebrows. And his clothing choices are also frightening (I’m trying to find a picture of the muumuu he once wore, but am coming up empty-handed). I love XTina generally. She’s my favorite sing-a-long artist. Although, Ryan kept asking me what she looks like because he wasn’t able to look any further north than her boob keyhole. Maybe I should have taken offense, but that’s as far as I got as well. Blake is so cute that he ALMOST makes me want to listen to country music (so close, Blake). And Adam is awesome as well. I have nothing pithy to say about him. He seems like a nice, normal guy. And they’re all really good coaches.
I keep toying with auditioning myself. As you may remember, I love to sing. It’s my favorite thing to do. Ever. I mean, the worst that could happen is they could tell me I didn’t make the blind auditions and no one would be the wiser. I’ve worked out the pros and cons to actually getting to and past the blind auditions which are:
Pros:
- I’d get to sing a lot - out loud and not in the shadows of my moving vehicle.
- Even if I didn’t win (which the odds would be slim to none), I wouldn’t have to read through legal mumbo jumbo to look for errors (that’s basically my job) for a few weeks.
- I’d meet Christina Aguilera and WE’D BE BEST FRIENDS AND WOULD EMBARK ON A WORLDWIDE DUET TOUR (it could happen, so it’s GOING ON THE PRO LIST).
Cons:
- I would be terrible. And not at the auditions that no one sees - at the audition EVERYONE sees and no one would turn their chair around and I’d realize that I’m going to die alone at my desk. Thirty more years until retirement!
- I would win and then realize that winning The Voice and quitting my job to sing probably isn’t the wisest move because…I’m still just the girl (more like “lady”) from The Voice. Where would I go from there? And I make a pretty good living reading the aforementioned legal mumbo jumbo. And then I’d feel guilty for stealing someone else’s dreams because they’ve never had a good paying job and had paid health insurance and would jump at the chance to win.
- I would sing OK, but look like a deer in the headlights while singing. And Christina (we all know I’d be on Team XTina because…duh) would be quasi-yelling at me about working on my stage presence. “But this is The VOICE, not The STAGE PRESENCE!” I would shout. And then I’d give my best attempt at stage presence and everyone would laugh at me. And I’d lose. And then have to go back to work where everyone would know how un-stage-presency I am.
It’s during the blind auditions that I think I should take the plunge. I’m all “I’m as good as that person.” But when I get further along in the competition, I realize that…DANG THESE PEOPLE ARE TALENTED!! Some WAY more than others, but…DANG! It’s a little sad because it doesn’t matter how great they are, they still need votes to win in the end. I mean, I’m sorry, but the little girl who won last year…she was just ok. I have no idea how she won. Was it just the country music angle? I still vote for Judith. TEAM JUDITH!!!
Anyway, I have picked a favorite so far. Have you? Mine is Caroline Pennell. She’s a little geeky. Actually, I think I can use this word to describe her - adorkable. She’s more adorkable than Zooey Deschanel, that’s for sure. And her voice…it’s so pretty and different. And pure. I feel so stupid saying that, but it perfectly describes her. Here, listen for yourself, ya Doubty McDoubterson. You don’t have to listen to the guy after her if you don’t want.
Guys…I couldn’t compete with that! I mean, she seems to be…well, not dead inside like I am. I mean, I had coffee the other night and Ryan told me I probably shouldn’t because I haven’t been sleeping well. He asked me how I slept the next day and I said ”GREAT!! I TOLD YOU I WOULD!!!” He said he was amazed at the power of spite. I spited myself to sleep. THAT’S THE KIND OF PERSON I AM!! I’m not pure of heart like this little angel. I should probably sing death metal. I can hear Carson Daly now - “Here’s Lizzie Lewis singing…Gwar?” I’d of course be wearing my hair in pigtail braids. TALK ABOUT DIFFERENT NOW!!!
Anyway, there are a few others I really like too. I like James Wolpert. Even though…he really didn’t pull off singing Boston, but still. His voice is very pretty. Cole Vosbury and Ray Boudreaux. Matthew Schuler is impressive as well, but his eyes drive me bonkers. I just keep shouting “OPEN YOUR EYES!!!” whenever I see him. It’s distracting. I distract myself.
So…do you watch? If not, ARE YOU STUPID????? That’s the only excuse I’ll accept.
