Meet Me in a Dark Alley

I’m a hot rod…

I keep forgetting to tell you guys that I signed up for a membership at a Krav Maga gym! If some of you are wondering if that is the secret society of Klingon warriors, you would be wrong. Although I would understand where you are coming from as it definitely sounds like it. Krav Maga is this. And this:

After attempting and failing at any sort of excercise routine, I decided that I had to figure out what kind of exercise actually appeals to me. That way it’s not like a big cloud hanging over my head. I immediately thought of kickboxing because I did it years ago. Unfortunately, my old gym didn’t offer the classes anymore. Boo. I looked around online and decided on Krav Maga. It seems perfect - it’s martial arts-ish which I like, but it’s really self-defense at the core. Granted, it’s the Israeli Defense Forces fighting system and a lot of law enforcement agencies use it, but I don’t feel quite as strange saying that I’m taking self-defense classes. After getting punched in the face a few times while sparring in kick boxing, I realized that I was maybe a little too old and my job was a little too “professional” to be walking around with black eyes. And so far I really like it. I’ll give you list of pros and cons:

Pros

1. It’s great exercise. And fun. I can’t be the only person who would enjoy beating the crap out of something.

2. Because of the previous kickboxing classes, I have the fight stance, kicking and punching stuff down.

3. So far, I’ve learned how to do awesome things like get out of choke holds, arm grabs, etc. Although as tough as I feel when I walk out of there, I’m never able to proudly show off my talents to Ryan. I’m like “wrap your hands around my neck so that I can show you how I can break out of your grip” and he grabs my neck so tight that I almost pass out. He’s in it to win it apparently. I mean, I’m assuming that’s what an actual attacker would do instead of worrying it was too tight of a grip, but… it’s a bit of a downer. Although last night I was able to break free from his death-like grip and make him stumble. I can officially beat up my husband. Or not.

4. I WILL learn how to disarm people with guns and knives. Ummm…awesome.

5. It’s on the way home from work and has paid parking.

6. There are people of all shapes, genders and ages. Seriously. There are several “older” people in the classes. It’s awesome.

Cons

1. Because it’s self-defense, you need to partner up with someone every class. Most (smart) people come with a partner. I always feel like the kid picked last during recess.

2. As I never have the pick of the litter, the people left are sometimes weird. I mean, who comes without a partner, right? Weird people. Obvs. Ugh. Some of the people are really nice. Some of the people are enraging. The worst offenders - people who flirt with the teacher. You guys, I cannot say how much that bothers me. First off, the particular teacher I’m talking about is married. Second, he’s generally friendly and never seems to be hitting on anyone or being anything other than professional. But these girls… The turn all giggly and eyelash batty when he walks by to instruct us on our form. Sometimes they’ll completely stop working and say things like “What are you smiling at? Tee hee.” even though he has the exact same facial expression in connection with every other student. Barf. Is this type of flirting effective? UUUUGGGGHHHH. The last time, I was so irritated that I started punching the tombstone super hard because I wanted to punch my partner off the face of the planet. Of course, after a minute of straight punching as fast as possible, I got very tired and looked like an idiot. Brilliant. I really showed her… Tee hee.

3. Even though you’re in a Level 1 class, half of the students are at much higher levels because it’s not a huge gym and there can only be so many classes. That means that you are sometimes paired up with people who are MUCH better than you are and when they punch the tombstone, you feel like your lifespan has just been shortened. Seriously. After being forced to pair up with ANOTHER man last night, I feel like I was in an actual fight. But I’d never say anything as I’m trying to be tough. DUH! You also slow these people down. For example, if you are doing some sort of ground work, you have to hold the pads a certain way. And it might change a lot. Like they’re teaching punching and then kicking, you have to be able to quickly move the pad from one to the other. I couldn’t get one of the kicking ones right which meant my poor partner wasn’t able to do as much as everyone else. It was embarrassing.

4. Krav Maga includes much more than punching and kicking. That’s not a con, though. The con is how bad I am at PERFORMING these additional maneuvers. For example, I’ve taken a class the focused on what to do if you’ve been knocked to the ground. Don’t be a turd and say “STAND UP!!” We know that’s the optimal course of action. BUT, if you’ve been knocked to the ground and the person is continuing to come at you, you have to defend yourself until you reach the point where you CAN get up. This requires a particular set of skillz (like this guy). Skills like spinning around on your back with your one leg poised like a scorpion, ready to kick the attacker if necessary. It’s exhausting. I truly hope that if I am ever attacked, there will be a lot of adrenaline flowing. Otherwise, I’m going to have to ask them for a water break. Anyway, as you so OBVIOUSLY pointed out earlier, the best outcome would be if you could stand up. Of course, there’s a technique. Something that I would say is close to a BREAKDANCE move. For serious. The last class I attended required me to pair up with someone (this time a higher level young man) and do something along these lines - lay on my back (scorpion leg poised), spinning around so as to foil his attempts to kick me, etc. THEN, when he stopped and held the pad, I was to do a front kick and get up to a standing position. Let’s just say that performance was…less than stellar. I’m sure it looked like a much less cute version of this. I wouldn’t have cared if it was me and a friend or Ryan. But it’s me and a young guy I’ve never met (and will hopefully never see again). A guy who was literally laughing. Not in a mean way or anything. I told him that this was new to me, so he was giving me tips and stuff, but he did laugh a couple of times. UGGGGGGHHHHH!!! I told Ryan that I’m going to have to start practicing at home. I’m 100% serious too.

I think a vast majority of these cons could be rectified by someone I know joining the gym with me. So…SOMEONE COME JOIN THE GYM!!!! PLEASE!!!! We would have so much fun punching and choking each other out. Right?! You know I’m right. Please don’t make me be the weirdo without the partner again. You know you want to. I mean, this could be us one day taking our Level 1 test! (Side note - I am nowhere near taking that test. Yikes! If this is level one, I am level -20). Look at the girl’s face at the 1:59 mark. THAT COULD BE US!!!