A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to…

I have no idea how to finish that sentence. Jo-Ann Fabric? The Great Gatsby party? Wednesday morning? Whatever. Let me give you a run down of my evening last night.

I FINALLY got the fringe in the mail to make my dress. I already had the fabric cut out, so all that was really left was sewing the fringe on and a few finishing touches. I was super stoked to finish that puppy so that I wouldn’t have that feeling of scrambling at the last second. I hate that feeling.

The first problem - the fringe didn’t really match the fabric. I know that this was really my fault. I was expecting a miracle when I decided on pairing teal satin with teal fringe and not buying them together. “Teal” is subjective. Teal is dumb. I matched them up and showed Ryan and was all…”should I just go to Jo-Anns?” He had a look on his face that said “Ummm…yeah. This is pretty hideous…” but he said I should just give it a go and see how it ended up. If it was as easy as I thought it was going to be, I could always start over with different fringe or something.

So, I set the machine all up, pinned my fringe to the fabric and started sewing. Immediately something got stuck in the machine. Like big time stuck. Like a huge hunk of fabric RAMMED down under the needle and it pretty much looked like this:

Only not quite as colorful and jammed underneath that little slotted plate the needle goes down into. I should probably know what that part is called, but I don’t. SO, I tried to pull the fabric out, but it was so stuck that I worried I might rip the fabric. Or break the machine. I decided to get the seam ripper out and kind of hack away at it. Nope. Then I noticed the two screws on the plate and realized I could just take the stupid thing off. I got out the screwdriver that came with the machine. The head fit perfectly, but…it was too long to get under the machine to unscrew it. You guys, WHY DID THEY MAKE THIS THING SO LONG????? It doesn’t make sense! Why provide me with a screwdriver that is useless? Because they’re cruel. I can’t think of another reason. So I went back to hacking at it with the seam ripper. AND THEN THE SEAM RIPPER BROKE IN HALF!!!! Mind you, this is exactly one minute (okay - four minutes) into sewing. It was like - line up fabric, press down on presser foot, hold for a nanosecond, and…hellscape.

I finally got it out (with the mangled seam ripper) and proceeded on my merry way. About 3 rows of fringe later, I realized that there was no way in hell I had enough fringe to cover both sides. Zero point zero zero chance. I sighed a few times, died a little inside and told Ryan that I was going to have to go to buy more. But remember, Jo-Anns had very little by way of fringe choices. I resigned myself to the fact that I very well may have to buy new fabric as well. UUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!

So, off I angrily stomped in the dark. Granted, it was only 6:30, but it might as well have been midnight as it’s pretty much pitch black outside. Even getting out of our parking garage was difficult and I had to make a 50 (5) point turn. I’m SURE the neighbors heard me screaming in the car. Whatever.

I pulled into the Jo-Anns parking lot and it was full, of course. Seriously, what is it with this place? I found a tiny parking space between TWO Priuses/Priusi (UGH!!!) and started to walk into the store. And….my flip-flop broke. No joke. The strap that’s attached to the side of the sole just ripped right out. I mean, I’ve had them for a while and wear them a lot, but I didn’t notice they were on their last legs! Whatever. I figured I could just hobble. Everyone would just think I’d had knee surgery or something. But hobbling was not a choice. With each step I took, the flip-flop just wing-nutted off to the side and I was seriously afraid I was going to fall and NEED knee surgery. So I did what any “normal” person would do, I took it off. Oh, but before I go any further, I need to tell you that I NEVER wear flat shoes. I’m short. And I hate being short. That means that my flip-flops look kinda like this:

Okay. Not THAT bad, but still. High. That meant that pretending I had knee surgery just parlayed into looking like I was severely handicapped and one leg was significantly shorter than the other. I tried to walk on my toes on the bare foot, but even THAT didn’t even out the height difference. People were definitely looking.

Oh well. Nothing I could do about that. I had a task at hand. First, to the fringe! Nothing had changed there. A rainbow of colors had not appeared. Also, I needed a lot of it. Remember, that was the initial problem. The pattern was apparently for a wood sprite and I needed a lot more fringe than her Tinkerbell pattern called for. The only color that had the amount I needed was gold (the one color I REALLY didn’t want) and black. Black it is! Now to the stretch satin! Maybe I wasn’t looking in the right place, but the only colors I found were teal (you’re dead to me, teal), turquoise, navy blue and sky blue. Now, you’re probably thinking “Ummm…you must have been in the blue section, moron.” Believe me, I thought that too. I handicapably walked all around that area and there was no other stretch satin. There were other shiny satin fabrics in lots of colors, but no stretch satin. By this time I was like “What up, Teal. I guess it’s you and me again. With Black.” Black and blue. I’ll be a walking bruise. Perfection.

I went to the cutting table and waited in line (it’s 7 pm - why is there a line to cut fabric???). When I finally got up there, the girl (who very much resembled this actress, including the expression pictured on her face) looked at the fringe and said “this stuff is weird.” No, it’s fringe, actually. There are a lot of weird things in this store - plastic pussy willows, Vanna White’s brand of yarn, and feathers that look like they came from a dead seagull you found in the parking lot. This is straight fringe. I told her how much I needed (1,000 yards) and she said the dreaded words that always bug me - “What are you making?” Of course, this girl seemed to honestly wonder what I would make with this, but I felt the usual urge to shout “NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!” I mean, what if I were making fringe sex toys?! Stop being so nosy! But I said a costume. So she measured and measured and measured the fringe (which was 3/4 of an inch short of what I wanted, but whatever) and then pushed the huge pile over to me. No trying to fold or wrap or anything. Just “Here you go. Please get this weird stuff away from me so that I never have to touch it again.” So I asked for a piece of cardboard and wound it around and around so that I would have to carry a huge ball of weird up to the cash register. While she watched me. Maybe the leg thing weirded her out. But by this point I had just taken my other flip-flop off and was just walking around barefoot in the store. Granted, my jeans were long so you couldn’t really tell, but…GROSS!

I got to the cash register and hunted around for the latest coupons I had. Thankfully I had just completed some dumb survey they had e-mailed me for which I was rewarded with a 15% off my total purchase coupon. I also had a 60% off and 50% (one item each). You know why I say thankfully? BECAUSE THAT FRINGE WOULD HAVE COST ME $70!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEVENTY!

I went home (walking through the gross parking lot in BARE FEET) and continued the sewing process. I will say that this fringe is MUCH softer than the other stuff I bought. I’m assuming that it was made from angels’ wings and that’s what justified the cost. And I ended up having just enough of it. PHEW!

But another lesson has been learned - sometimes if you’re making a costume, it might be better to invent a time machine, travel back in time, and just buy a dress there. Sure they’d have thought me EXTREMELY strange with the whole flip-flop debacle, but I bet I’d have spent less for a crappy costume. As I told Ryan, I better have the best time of my LIFE at this party. He basically told me to calm down.

SO, I’ll hopefully finish it tonight. Unless the apartment catches fire. Or a bear breaks in, finds the unfinished costume hanging in my closet, and decides he/she wants it for their circus act. I’ll let you know.

**UPDATE - I tried the finished dress on last night. It’s WAAAAAYYYY to big. “AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!” I laugh maniacally. Oh well. I guess I did something else wrong - the measurements or pattern drafting. But I can’t believe I did as I actually sketched it all out on GRAPH paper. I’m obviously a terrible sewer. But that explains the extra fringe. It could have been worse. It could have been too small. Making martinis out of this lemon-like news…