Birds vs. Me vs. Birds

I’ve been promising to tell you guys about my hatred of birds. And their hatred of me. I’m sure that some of you don’t believe me, but there are several people who have witnessed certain “events.” Here’s my story.

press here:

First off, I think we can all agree that birds are gross. Be honest. I mean, here are two examples just off the top of my head:

They have feet like aliens and tongues from the prehistoric age. I mean, come on. I think I could almost rest my case at this point, but I’ll get to the story.

After my ex husband and I separated, I decided to grab life by the balls. I did a lot of stuff that I’d have never done before, some of which were slightly crazy to do and I would never do again (getting into a shark tank in Hawaii was stone cold crazy). One of the things I wanted to do was travel, so I decided to join my friends for the first half of their trip to Europe. We all started in Prague, but then I split off by myself and went to Italy. I was going to visit a friend in Sicily, but I decided to stay two nights in Venice by myself. I have no idea why I picked Venice. I mean, what soon-to-be divorcée picks the city of love to vacation? By themselves. This idiot.

First off, I think Venice hated me. A SLEW of things went wrong. Some of it was because I didn’t really do much research before the trip (who doesn’t research their faces off before vacation?). First, the water taxis were all on strike, so I had to pay for fancier, private taxis. Second, I had paid for private bathroom in my hotel, not realizing that “private” doesn’t mean it’ll be in your room. I had to walk down the hall and use a key. Stupid. Third, it rained like I’ve never seen it rain. I finally gave in and bought an umbrella, but it rained so hard that at one point it felt like I had decided to forego the dryer and just wear my jeans straight out of the washing machine. And then, the birds… If you’ve never been to Venice, let me describe the relationship between Venice and birds. Actually, let me show you:

Yes, that is a million pigeons flying all around in St. Mark’s Square. Are you wondering why there are so many birds? Beside the fact that it smells like a sewer in Venice and disgusting birds are drawn to any disgusting smell because it must remind them of their moms or something (I’m assuming). It’s because of this:

People feed them. And they do what this lady is doing. They just sprinkle themselves with bird seed (or hold it in both hands) and look up to the sky as if they’re giving their life to Jesus. And they pretty much are. Why? Because a million disease-ridden birds are about to fly/trip over themselves to eat said bird seed. You guys, who does that? I’ll tell you who. A saner person than one who would do something like this:

Unless that is just a dead person that the pigeons are feeding on. It wouldn’t surprise me. I’d also like to point out something that may not immediately come to mind. It was one of the first things that came to mine. Right after the fear that I’d get bird seed on my face and they’d peck me to death. No, it’s the volume of bird poop on the ground. I mean, it’s obvious. So what would be the most awesome thing to do? LAY DOWN! DUH! I saw people walking IN THEIR BARE FEET!!!! Why????? I wouldn’t even do that in a non-bird infested public place. In Venice’s defense (I can’t believe those words just typed off my fingers), they have since made feeding the birds illegal. (Side note - I just read in an article that before the 1950’s, they would keep the pigeon population down by EATING THEM!!!!!!!! I wish I could wipe that fact out of my brain.).

OK. So here I was, alone in Venice. I was a little bummed. The weather was gloomy, I was by myself and in the city of love (barforama). I decided to stop and get a gelato. I was told that if you sit at the little tables, you were charged, so I decided to just sit on some steps. So I’m sitting there, minding my own business while eating my gelato. And a pigeon hops towards me. I didn’t really pay too much attention to it at first. But then it started hopping closer, so I shooed it away. But it would hop right back. This interaction went on a few times until it eventually and boldly hopped ON MY LAP! At that point, I was like “HELLS NO!” and pushed it off of me and started to get up. And this is where it happened. This is the moment where I truly began hating birds. I saw this:

OK. It wasn’t an eagle, obviously. It was a pigeon. But that thing was apparently in it to win it and it was going to get that gelato (or maybe just a bite of it?) come hell or high water. You guys, I felt the INSIDE of its wings ON MY FACE!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still feel like screaming. Which is exactly what I did. I screamed and dropped the now syphilis-infested gelato on the ground. I looked around so that I could put at ease all the people who were running to my aid. Only no one was. No one even glanced in my direction. Score 1 for the birds! You attack/scared me out of my gelato. Well done. Oh and Venice, I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.

Since then, I’ve noticed that birds tend to single me out. One time, I was sitting on the crowded patio of a coffee shop and reading a book. I felt a weird sensation and looked up to see something like this:

A pigeon. Punking me big time. It just sat there and stared. I’d nervously look down and then look up every minute (probably 10 seconds in reality) or so. Then it suddenly took to flight and buzzed the tower Maverick style (I’ve selected a video with Spanish subtitles for anyone who has always wondered what the Spanish phrase for “buzz the tower” is.). Only the tower was my head. And this bird never asked for permission. At least this time I had the sense to stifle my screams.

Since then it’s lots of things. If there’s a bird in the sky, it can usually be found directly above me. One time I went on a bike ride with friends and a bird flew above me for a good portion of the trip. It never successfully crapped on me, but I’m sure it tried. I was trying to ride in a serpentine-like manner. Score 1 Lizzie.

So there you have it. It’s not ONLY because they are hideous (which we can all agree they are). It’s because they hate and want to kill me. I think that gives me the right.